Discussion Forum "Jokes"

	A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a nude beach in Miami . As the boy walks along the sand, He notices that many of the women have boobs bigger than his mother's, So he goes back to ask her why. She tells her son, 'The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is...' The boy pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but Returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad does. She replies, 'The bigger THEY are, the dumber the man is.' Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play. Shortly thereafter, the boy returns again. And promptly tells mother: "Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer He talks, the dumber he gets".
		Brutus (6 May 2009)
		MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital. Please select from the following options menu: If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you. If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call. If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press. If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway. If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696. If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep.. Please wait for the beep. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy to talk with you. If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever. If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.    Amimazing (6 May 2009)
		Trevor the farmer was in the fertilised egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets' and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilise the eggs. The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so Trevor could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells. The farmer's favourite rooster was old Jacob, and a very fine specimen he was too. But on this particular morning Trevor noticed old Jacob's bell hadn't rung at all! Trevor went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But to farmer Trevor's amazement, Jacob had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. Trevor was so proud of Jacob, he entered him in the Polokwane Country Fair and Jacob became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result was the judges not only awarded Jacob the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pullet Surprise as well. Clearly Jacob was a Pulletician in the making: Who else but a Pulletician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention. Do you perhaps know of a Pulletician called Jacob?    Brutus (20 May 2009)
		An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church.. 'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Fanny Green twice last month.' The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.' Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Fanny Green twice a week for the past two months.' This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Fanny Green?' 'A new woman in the neighborhood,' the sinner replied. 'Very well,' sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary's..; At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes. The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear. The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Fanny Green?' The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to reply calmly, 'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes'.    Brutus (28 May 2009)
		Dislexic bank robber storms into a bank: "Air in the hands you mother stickers...this is a fuckup!"   Brutus (10 June 2009)
		Piet and Koos, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer. Piet turns to Koos and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the community college, and sign up for some classes." Koos thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave. The next day, Piet goes down to the college and meets dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, History, and Logic. "Logic?" Piet says. "What's that?" The dean says, "I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?" "Yeah." "Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that you would have a yard." "That's true, I do have a yard." "I'm not done," the dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house." "Yes, I do have a house." "And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family." "Yes, I have a family." "I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife. And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual." "I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to findout all of that because I have a weed eater." Excited to take the class now, Piet shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Koos at the bar. He tells Koos about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic. "Logic?" Koos says, "What's that?" Piet says, "I'll give you an example. Do you have a weed eater?" "No." "Then you're a moffie .........."   Brutus (5 May 2010)
		A blind man wanders into a Female Biker Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the waiter, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?' The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it's only fair, given that you' re blind, That you should know five things: 1) The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat. 2) The bouncer is a blonde girl. 3) I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate. 4) The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter. 5) The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?' The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters.... 'No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."    Brutus (10 May 2010)